newskin™

It’s over … and this’ll be the last time that I am going to stab my poor heart for everything that had been.

The days have gotten a little easier this past few days, people near me who’s known about it, have so much love to give, honestly, its getting a bit overwhelming. My mom whose always been there through hard times with me, didn’t disappoint, a simple hug from her turns this burden into such relief, no words can express how much I appreciate what she’s done for me, I love her.

I know that anything I write or say here wouldn’t change anything, not one bit, what’s done is done, but at least I get to speak about it freely without contentions.

I’ve just recently realized that the past year was a swarm of discontent, frustrations and an unending depression. I tried as much as I can to make that year work for me and whoever was with me. I had so much internal hostility but I never did want it out, well, it did in several occassions … I was mostly dazed, to the point of lashing everyones damn emotion out of myself for I know that the negativity in me was indeed eating me alive … I had to keep sane, see things in perspective and try to keep the balance back in my life … the stimulus was definitely her.

I admit there were times that I’ve been such a pain really, but I try to make up for it, make her smile, joke a bit, conform to her wants, just to see those curling eyes echo back on whatever simple gestures I did was like an icing on the cake, its makes my day worthwhile. She opened up new things to me, things that made me look at myself and see that I can respect and be proud of myself, but somehow my demons seems to always catch up and would always undermine my positivity. I can honestly say that I was battling it and would definitely want to get out of it, but it wouldn’t matter anymore, all is lost and there are no means for me to get back.

Promises have been broken, ties have ended, now I’m left with just a memory of the past year trying to recover from an ill-fated accident that was probably bound to happen. It irritates me to say that I still feel the same for her, after all she’s done, after all she’s put me through, but I have to be patient, the eventuality of it is that it’ll wither, and i know it will. I hope she finds happiness and contenment in hers and her kid’s (god, i miss him) life, I wasn’t fit to be so I had to conform.