newskin™

It’s over … and this’ll be the last time that I am going to stab my poor heart for everything that had been.

The days have gotten a little easier this past few days, people near me who’s known about it, have so much love to give, honestly, its getting a bit overwhelming. My mom whose always been there through hard times with me, didn’t disappoint, a simple hug from her turns this burden into such relief, no words can express how much I appreciate what she’s done for me, I love her.

I know that anything I write or say here wouldn’t change anything, not one bit, what’s done is done, but at least I get to speak about it freely without contentions.
(more…)

I’d think that I’ve managed to make things blurred into your eyes, this has nothing to do with what your seeing in me, it’s all about me thinking of a better way to make things easier … for the both of us. There’s so much I’d like to say, to show and to do, everything with you, but my life isn’t built for such high-spirited endeavors, it has always been what it is … a big uncompromiseable mess. I can’t answer the when, why’s and how’s, or whether this life would eventually be at ease.

I’ve come to terms with what I have become, not because of isolation or the intent of it, but because of traumatic reoccurrence of emotional dismemberment. I’ve kept my emotion set to a level that it wouldn’t be scarred … to an extent that is, my feelings blossom with complete certainty with you, I feel contenment inching through the tips of my fingers and I’ve come to see myself wanting to smile everyday as I’m with you … I just don’t want to be let down again, and for that I am terrified.

I could hardly feel the cool air breeze, when I walked by the side street of makati on the way to work at quarter to nine. Must’ve been something in my head that’s been bugging me all day … it must’ve been something this year that doesn’t make sense to even things out and bring balance back into my life.

A couple more days and this year would then be just a memory, another memory that’ll stick into my head, bringing regrets and lost promises to blossom anew in the coming year. “I want to feel, like I have felt before”, this one line from a song unknowingly blended to the already chaotic swarn of thoughts goin’ through my head, heaved more regrets and depressive emotions that I’ve been feeling, so much for that oh! so magical christmas spirit, it seems to be picking-up.

Well, it’s been a long vacation for me, it was at least a month of bumming around, mostly trying to make it at the end of the day without hurting myself. Tomorrow will be another “first”, got the new job wrapped up last week and I’m headed for a new endeavor, hopefully this time everything falls nicely into place.

A couple of days from now, its gonna be december, the last month of the year, it started off right for me, well, if you look at it through corporate eyes, but I’m still daunted by a lot of questions, what I’m speaking off are personal stuff, I cannot seem to shake ‘em off, somehow it still haunts me. Maybe, I need a shrink.

Officially 27 now, my world is totally upside-down, I just resigned from work and I’m still waiting for a job offer from a company that a friend referred me too (I do hope that it pushes through) and everything else, well, it’s still the same.

I still have the old problems buried deep within me, regrets I can’t seem to crawl out off, these things that are preventing me from having a good life. I only want to have that thing that everybody wants … peace of mind.

It’s been 3 days now and I haven’t been sleeping right, I only get 3 or 4 hours of sleep max, it’s quite ironic since I’m pretty sure that most people would love to take naps especially when it’s raining all day. I don’t really know exactly what’s got into me, but I don’t like it, I’m always tired at work and I feel grumpy all the time, I get exhausted easily and it seems that it also affected my appetite.

Am I stressed out? I know there’s been a lot of things going on and a lot more things going through my head (mainly personal stuff) but I haven’t had this kind of thing before, I never had sleeping disorders as far as I can remember, though I work mostly on a graveyard shift, but that’s given, I have managed to take this kind of lifestyle with no problems whatsoever … well, until now.

I believe it’s gonna be another hellish day, work hasn’t been really that productive recently, it’s starting to be depressing at times. It’s most evident just by looking through the faces of each employee, everyone’s in a bunker. There’s nothing much to complain about, thinking about the company’s status, you just gotta have to make-ends-meet, it’s a cycle, that’s just what it is.

In other things that I’m very much enthusiastic about, I’m beggining to see myself as a “car-buff”, I hate to say it but I am, it’s always in my head, mods, engine upgrades, aesthethics, sound setup … just the thought of it having ‘em on my car gives me a creepy feeling, then again as I’ve mentioned it’s a cycle, how do I attain all of these when my livelihood’s in a dump … just gotta make-ends-meet i guess.

3 months and almost 3 more weeks, I thought I’ve finally ended this non-sense, noting my life in the most inexplicit of ways. Minding too much on whoever gets to read through it, I could never truly let myself say what I wanted to say. I was trying to let it flow, to break through the boundaries I’ve put unto myself, until I could no longer stand it and had to give in.

Now, I’m feeling almost free from all of those things that bonded me, I know there’s still a long way to go but I know I’ll get there … hopefully, I get there.